I posted a new profile photo today. It's been a really long time since my Facebook profile pic was actually a photo of my face. To tell you the truth, someone from long ago trying to find me would have a difficult time figuring out it was me because my profile is usually a sports logo or something related to writing- like a photo of my hand holding a pen and resting on one of my journals (one of my favorites). I post a lot of stuff on FB, mostly photos of my son and my dog, writing I've done on my blog, food I've cooked. But rarely do I post a photo of myself. I can probably count on one had how many times I've taken a selfie- if I could even remember when they were. And I've been thinking about this lately. Why don't I ever post a photo of myself?
Thinking back, I think the last time I had a photo in my profile was when I graduated with my doctorate. I had to submit a photo to accompany my dissertation defense announcement. A teacher friend who does photography on the side, snapped a photo of me in the courtyard at the school where we worked. She did a great job, and I thought I looked alright, so I decided to use it as my profile pic. Can't quite remember what I had before that, but it was two and half years ago. The photo remains as my Blogger profile pic (you can check it out to the right ->) but before too long, I changed it on FB.
So why don't I use photos of myself for my Facebook profile? I hate to be cliche and obvious, but I think it's a lack of love for myself. Like so many, I generally hate the way I look in photos. It's safer to use my interests than my face. I guess I don't take selfies because I don't like looking at my own face. No matter how much I try to improve my self image, to remind myself I am a beautiful creation of G-d, I still struggle to love myself. And I got to thinking, how am I going to change this?
Recently, I started focusing on things I do like about my appearance. They're hard to come by, but I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. Kicking self-degradation is just like kicking any other bad habit, and you have to give it deliberate effort. So, I started with my hair. Hands down, the feature I am most complimented on is my hair. Naturally curly, and naturally highlighted by the sun, my hair gets a lot of attention. I've actually grown to appreciate it. I don't do much to it chemically, so it's very healthy. This would be my focus for learning to like my face.
I started by taking selfies around my room and bathroom on days I liked my hair. I tried them in different light and at different angles. I marvel at these people who get so many great angles in their cars and the bathroom. Maybe it's because I'm short (and my arms are too?) but I struggled with this. Looking up, looking down? The latter makes you look like you have a double chin. I trashed them all, and tried again another day. Same thing happened over and over again. I realized I would never like a photo of myself because I'm not happy with myself. I've put on some weight and I can see it in my face. My eyes are dark because I don't get enough sun on my face. And holy crap, I'm getting crows feet around my eyes!
And then I realized, all of that is part of me. I can get a tan. I can lose weight. The wrinkles are just part of life. I need to learn to love myself and take care of myself. If the selfie is a reminder that my face looks fuller than I want it to be, only I can do something about it. If I need a little color back in my skin, I have to get myself outside more. But hiding behind a Dolphins helmet, or a Hurricanes logo, or my writing hand, is just plain silly.
So I took another photo and I posted it. Now my profile is the real me. Ready or not, here I come.
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