Angel

It was a chilly day in January. I was a new mother, trying to figure out how to work my newborn into the everyday tasks of my life. Things were great when we were home. All the gear I needed was available at my finger tips. It was packing to get out of the house that made life challenging. Did I pack the bottles? Did I have enough diapers? What if I need something I didn't bring? It was quite overwhelming at first. This day was no different. It was the six week check-up for my newborn Jacob. I was still struggling to physically feel like myself again. Don't get me wrong, I was loving motherhood. But admittedly, I was still quite emotional. I had finally come to terms with the idea I could not breast feed, and though seeing Jacob finally put on some weight, thanks to bottle nourishment, I was still harboring a bit of guilt. I knew I had somewhere to be, and if I dwelled on the little things, I would never get out the door and to the doctor on time.  Not having my husband home meant I had to get the baby and the stuff out on my own. I was already feeling rattled. But I buckled my little chicken in the car seat, and we were off.

I can't recall, but this may have been the first time we drove anywhere alone. I had to take my eyes off the baby in order to drive, and I wasn't altogether comfortable. I drove along apprehensively, much the way a new driver does. It was an awkward carefulness. Jacob was a bit fussy in the back, not an all out cry, but enough to make me a bit anxious. I was rigid and guarded, and I just wanted to blink us to the doctor. I was in the left lane, up against the median, because the doctor's office would be a left turn. Out of the blue, a car on my right swerved toward me with no notice at all. I was blocked in between the car and the median and my reflex was to pull away from the car, so I jumped the median curb and slammed on my breaks. I was up on the median with my right tires hanging out in the lane. I freaked out and started panting and Jacob must have reacted to the sudden motion of the car and my panic, and began belting out a tiny but fierce baby cry. 

I couldn't get to him, because there was no safe way for me to get out of the car, and I had to get us back and moving. I was panicked because it was the first time I hadn't thought about an asshole driver pissing me off, I was worried about the safety of my baby. And my heart was pounding out of my chest. I could barely choke back my own tears. I calmed enough to get us safely back in the lane and continue to the doctor. My hands were shaking, my baby was wailing, and I just wanted to go home. I turned on the radio softly to try and settle my nerves, and out of those speakers came the soothing sound of Sarah McLachlan. In the arms of the angel, you may find some comfort here. It didn't take but one or two bars, before Jacob and I had calmed. He stopped crying, and I stopped shaking, and together we got through our first trauma. 

I know it will sound like a generalization, but I kid you not. From that time on, whenever I put that song on the radio, my Jacob would calm and coo, and often fall asleep. It became my go-to song in the car, and with the exception of one or two times, it always worked. Sarah's Angel gave us comfort wherever we were.