Questions Before Dark

My friend Helen has a great blog. Today she shared a poem from a website she follows called A Year of Being Here. She used it as a mentor poem to create her own. Then another friend, Annmarie followed and wrote her own. Now it's my turn! First, is the original poem. Mine is below. Click on my friend's names to see theirs. They are great writers.

Questions Before Dark

by Jeanne Lohman

Day ends, and before sleep

when the sky dies down, consider

your altered state: has this day

changed you? Are the corners

sharper or rounded off? Did you

live with death? Make decisions

that quieted? Find one clear word

that fit? At the sun’s midpoint

did you notice a pitch of absence,

bewilderment that invites

the possible? What did you learn

from things you dropped and picked up

and dropped again? Did you set a straw

parallel to the river, let the flow

carry you downstream?

Questions Before Dark

by Laurie J. Kemp

Day ends, and before sleep 

when the sky dies down, consider 

your altered state: has this day 

changed you? Are the answers to 

your questions near or far? Did you

decide what you want to do? Make decisions

about what to do with the rest of your life? Find one thing 

you think you can do forever? At the sun's midpoint

did you notice a sense of calm,

an inspiration that invites 

reflection? What did you learn

from inhibitions you dropped and picked up

and dropped again? Did you reach out

for what you really wanted, let your desires

carry you into bliss?

The Writing Well

Many writers and authors (Is there a difference between the two?) advise others to feed their writing, or "fill the well" so to speak. In other words, we need to read other great writers in order to know what and how to write our own work. I've mulled these words over many times. One of my writing buddies refers to filling the well often, usually when she's taking a short break from writing in order to do some reading. I'm realizing lately, as I've tried to force myself to feel creative, and attempted to will myself to feel inspired, I have been going about it all wrong. Filling the well is about reading, but it's also about living, and experiencing.

Writing is cyclical, in many ways. For example, creating a great piece of writing often yields feelings of productivity and accomplishment. It can be cathartic as in letting out something that has been brewing and growing on its own inside us. When it finally finds its way out in the perfect combination of words with just the right tone and an authentic voice, it is gratifying and at the same time emptying. As writers, we live with our work all the time, everyday until it feels complete. Sometimes it's like the comfort of a close family member, other times it feels like a pesky roommate.  When the piece is complete and published, whether informally on a blog or for a personal audience, or officially as in a book or publication, it's gone. As with the pesky roommate, it may be a relief. As with the close family member to whom you've had to say goodbye, it can leave you feeling empty. Sometimes being left with your feelings, bad or good, can inspire a piece of its own. But many times, it will leave the well dry.

Though I write semi-regularly for an otherwise full-time employed person, I had been experiencing dry well for several weeks. Yes, I was producing pieces- a few short poems, a couple of ponderances (apparently that's not really a word) and regular journal writing. But I really stumped myself this past month with a writing prompt I provided to my regular writing circle. You can read some of our work on our new blog, as long as you cut us some slack as we try to get into a groove. I volunteered to get the group going with our first prompt, and I think I may have had the toughest time writing a response. A brief summary: we were challenged to create something with our hands and see what it inspired us to write. There were no rules, just create something with your hands and then write. Wow, I was stumped. You would think, since I was the one to provide it, that I would be chomping at the bit to write. Our survey says:

Can you imagine? I came up with this creative prompt, and it should have been fun but it stressed me out! Now I know why. My well had run dry. I was depleted. I finally produced the piece I needed for the blog. We all made a commitment and I knew it might be tough to get started, but we know we need to write if we want to be writers. I plowed through and turned a struggle I had creating with my hands, into a poem (and another fun piece) about of all things, words. I created experiences rather than things, and it started to fill my well back up a bit. I started to consider how I can continue to refill. I finished a book, started another, and went to a teaching conference. I came back with some new inspiration and a couple of new resources, all which have generated new ideas in the workplace. I started working on the syllabus for a course I'm teaching at the local university this fall, and I started to feel the level in the well begin to rise. 

Fast forward to yesterday, when I was riding in a car and reading an article on a mobile app, and I found the inspiration for something I have been waiting to materialize in a meaningful iteration for months. A seed that blew through with a breeze months before was starting to germinate. This morning, Sunday, often the only day if any at all I can sleep in and leisurely get out of bed when I'm ready, I was awoken by a proverbial flood of thoughts. The well is filling up. Why? Because instead of sitting around waiting for inspiration, instead of expecting that because I scheduled time to write, the writing would come, I was out living! Filling the well is reading, and living, and loving, and experiencing. If we're not out creating meaningful experiences in our lives and observing the lives of others, how can we expect to have anything to draw from when it's time to write?

My epiphany is this. If there's nothing coming to the pen, the pencil, the keyboard, go out and read something, or do something. Take in some nature or spend time with friends. Go on a trip or experience something new. Read a book you once loved as though you never read it before. The level of the well will once again rise, and the ideas will come. And when they do, a new piece of writing will come. Then the well will drain once again, and it will be time to get out there once more.

I feel better than I have in months about my writing and I'm looking forward to a productive couple of months. Look out world, here I come!

Contemplation

What is the purpose of work, of career? My mind feels heavy, burdened by the constant contemplation about why we choose to do whatever work we choose. Some of it, I believe, must tie into what we believe as individuals is our purpose for being on earth. No matter your religion or non religion, no matter your beliefs, you have likely asked yourself at one point, why am I here? Why do humans live? Some believe that current life here on earth is to prepare for, or help earn them a spot in heaven. Others believe we are stewards of the earth, here to take care of the planet and each other while we live. Still others believe all of our living is in experiencing every moment we can, as completely as we can in the present. So are our careers about working toward something else, or are they about living now? Exploration of the intricacies of various religions and belief systems would probably yield innumerable interpretations of the purpose of life. But do these belief systems drive our personal decision-making about the way we spend most of our waking hours as adults, that is, our work?

The Common Core Standards, and all of their incarnations throughout the country, have American students working for college and career readiness. The Core, and all the assessments it brings with it, is the biggest driving force in education right now. It seems to be an indication that policy makers, and possibly society at large, believe the purpose of education is to prepare students for a job, or more education- leading eventually to a job. So how does one decide what that job should be? How do we know what we should be doing for work, and therefore, how we should prepare for said work?

If school is to prepare us for work, how do we know what we should do and what the purpose of work should be?  One counter thought to the argument of The Core, the purpose of education cannot be simplified into career preparation. Education is about becoming educated, not just about subjects, but about people, places, experiences, and human interactions. If school from this perspective is to prepare us for life, shouldn’t there be more focus on living? Would not learning through experience help a person make more informed decisions about what to devote a life’s work to? Still yet, should a person always spend a whole life doing the same work?

Let us consider various purposes of work. There are probably others, but many lead back to these four:

1. People work to earn money. The money earned may be used for various purposes such as to support oneself, a family, or a cause.  With earning as the primary purpose for work, little consideration would be given to the time spent, the tasks required, or whether the work derives feelings of satisfaction or fulfillment, as long as the person doing the work thinks the salary is adequate. Little regard would be given to talent or passion unless it translated into increased earning power. It would simply be most important to consider what kind of income could be drawn from the job. Many people in this category work just because it’s a job and they can make good money doing it.
2. People work to feed and satisfy the economy. Here, people work because it is what they are supposed to do. Moms and Dads are shamed for wanting to stay home with their children, the unemployed are shamed for “living off the system,” and true retirement to a life of relaxation and leisure are reserved for those who seem to have earned it. If you are old enough or young enough to work, people expect you to work as a “productive member of society” to pay taxes and feed the economy. Working people support consumerism and consumers perpetuate a strong economy. Still, this purpose is about earning power. Many people in this category also work just because it’s a job and they need one.
3. People work to care for humanity. Caring for the earth and all its creatures, human and otherwise is at the heart of this purpose. Humanities organizations, missionaries, communal living would be extreme examples of people who make their life’s work caring for people, the earth, or animals. Additional examples might be those who work for GreenPeace, the Humane Society, Earth Charter. People who find this purpose at the heart of their work, seem to be working for something or someone beyond themselves. Their wages may not be what they wish they were, but they are enough to help sustain them as they do work they deem to be important.
4. People work to feel fulfilled. Fulfilled takes different forms for different people. Whether someone feels impassioned by their work, self-actualized, or contributory, people who work to be fulfilled would be driven less by financial rewards, and more by personal satisfaction with their work. The exception would be someone who feels fulfilled by wealth, because the true purpose would be blurred.

Of course, many people are driven by multiple purposes, or find one purpose inside another. For example, one might feel fulfilled by doing work that satisfies the economy or supports human rights. Additionally, one might be able to make a lot of money supporting one of these other purposes in various ways. Even still, some people may be driven by one or more of these purposes and find themselves unsuccessful all the way around. I think I may be one of these people. Let me explain.

I already know, while it is important for me to earn money to contribute to my family’s income, my purpose for work is not to earn money. I know this because I have at my disposal, opportunities to take positions and job opportunities in which I would earn a great deal more money than what I am earning now. Am I not driven by salary at all? I would be lying if I said no. I have a home, a car, and years of student loan payments. I need to earn money. But it is not my primary purpose for working.

The same can be said for my feelings about feeding the economy. I am what I think is a moderate consumer. I like personal electronics, but other than that I don’t have a lot of stuff. I don’t think of cars as show pieces, I don’t have much in the way of jewelry, and I don’t have a lot of stuff. Some time a few years back my husband and I started doing what my friend Helen refers to as spending money on experiences, rather than things. That’s not to say we don’t feed the economy. We still love to eat out, travel, and we spend plenty of money keeping up with the wants and needs of our teenage son. But, I don’t work to feed the economy. in fact, I wouldn’t mind at all staying home for awhile, and would in no way feel ashamed to do it.

Do I work to care for humanity? I guess in a sense, I do. On several occasions throughout my career, including last year, I chose to take a position comparatively underpaid, to work in organizations with missions in which I strongly believe. Alright, I am not working for free, and I haven’t given up any of the comforts of my everyday lifestyle, but I have chosen to work with populations in schools often cast away or aside by others. I seem to have devoted much of my life’s work to at-risk youth because I believe we need to make a difference; we need to change the relationship they have with their schools and the people in them. I have always felt pretty passionate about it, but I think the candle might be burning out. I’m not sure this purpose is driving me any longer.

This leads to the final purpose for work, to feel fulfilled. It sounds a bit selfish, doesn’t it? But what if, as human beings, we were given permission to choose work that made us feel alive, impassioned, and soulful? Self-help books preach to us all the time the possibilities of letting go and chasing what we are passionate about. Find a purpose outside ourselves and we will awaken the passion within us. Sounds great doesn’t it? I believed it, I still want to believe it. But I’m not sure I do. I’ve thought over and over again about letting go of the need to earn money, abandoning what everyone else thinks I should do, and taking a big risk. Doing something with the sole purpose of feeding my soul. My heart rate gets up, my spirit seems lifted, I know the right opportunity for this is out there.  I search high and low, around the country and throughout the world. I dig deep inside, I look up to G-d. And nothing. I’m tormented. 

I don’t know what my calling is. Or maybe I do, but I’m too focused on what I want instead of what I can do for others. Is it possible I was really good at something and now I’m not anymore? Do we have different purposes at different times in our lives? Who gets to decide what that purpose is? Do I create my own torment by overanalyzing instead of just doing? 

I really don’t know. I’m stuck in contemplation.