Soul to Soul

Rather off the cuff recently, after almost 18 years of marriage and about 25 years with my agnostic husband, I looked at him and asked, "Do you believe we are soulmates?" It was not a trick question designed to bait him into an argument, or a test of how he feels about our relationship. It was a genuine and sincere question about something we had never discussed before. 

It is a sticky thought, not necessarily for us as a couple but for people in general. We often hear people say things like, "They were meant to be together," or "They were made for each other." But if we really consider the implications of what that means, it becomes a much more complex discussion. What does "meant to be" mean? Does it mean if you believe in G-d, that G-d put you on the earth for each other and you were predestined to cross paths? No matter what had happened to us and in our lives, we would have ended up together anyway? If my mom never decided to move from New York to Florida when I was a teenager, my Florida born and raised husband and I still would have found our way to each other?  

I read recently that according to mythology ancient Greeks, believed humans were created with four arms, four legs, and two heads (as well as male and female genitals). Zeus feared they would become too powerful so he split them in two, forcing them to spend their whole lives searching for their other halves. Most Judeo-Christian religions believe that woman (Eve) came from man (Adam). There is some pretty good simple information about religious beliefs and soulmates on this self-helpy site about finding your soulmate (http://www.the-soulmate-site.com/soul-mate-theory.html). But is there a higher power of any kind that brings two people together, or is it simply chance that two people make a series of choices, and experience a series of happenings leading them on some path? 

If soulmates exist, then the next question is how many do we have? The next one might be, are all soulmates romantic? My dad, who has been divorced from my mom since 1987ish after being married for 17 years, once told me he believed people have more than one soulmate, and for different purposes. He used the example of his relationship with my mother for bringing them their children, my sister and me. He then explained that his current wife is his life partner, and another soulmate. I am still not sure how I feel about that, but he is my dad. Some of the soulmate self-help gurus online agree with the multiple soulmate theory.

I have talked to others about meeting people in their lives who seem to be there at just the right time, providing just the kind of friend they needed when they needed it. Or have you ever met someone who you felt like you had known for years, even though you are just getting to know them? Many people would say this type of frienship feels like you have met a soulmate of sorts, kindred spirits.

When you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and it feels so right, you seem to be able to accomplish and survive anything together, it might be difficult to accept that you found each other by chance or by luck. You feel alive and true to who you are, and when two of you come together equally committed to working hard at the relationship when so many others seem unwilling, you start to wonder why and how you were brought to each other. You believe so deeply in the bond of love you have together, it is hard to believe there was no divine intervention or a fate-like power, because your feelings are that strong. I am Jewish by faith, a believer in G-d. As I consider the beauty of my realtionship with my husband, an umatched commitment and unconditional love, I want to believe that G-d brought him to me, and me to him, and our son to us. How can something so divine, come from anything other than G-d? 

But if I believe strongly that the power of G-d brought us together, that chance and circumstance had nothing to do with it, then must I also believe that those who do not have this kind of love in their lives are alone because G-d wants them to be? Why did I encounter my love at the age of 16, and my sister hers at the age of 42? Surely, God did not purposely make my sister wait, make her experience pain and loneliness just because. Those who look to word and acts of G-d quite literally would say that G-d has a purpose and we do not always understand it. We just have to believe, have faith because G-d works in mysterious ways. I believe in G-d. I believe strongly and whole-heartedly in the higher power, in the creator (incidentally, I do not subscribe to the idea that any one book or written work is the literal word of G-d). I just do not think everything is so calucalted like that. I do not ask G-d for things, I do not think every little positive thing in my life is a direct result of G-d up in the sky at the control panel pressing the buttons to help me out because I have been ind to others. I do believe that G-d is within everyone, breathing strength into us, giving us the power to make good decisions, to be the best people we can be, to open our hearts to love.

So does G-d, fate, or any higher power bring us to the ones we love? It is tempting to believe it, but I am not sure I do, at least not completely. Sometimes life presents choices, circumstances, feelings, and as human beings we react. G-d gave us free will, it is up to us to embrace the challenges and choices in our lives the best way we know how. Your wife, husband, best friend, current or future soulmate maybe on your path or in your presence. You may not even know it, or you may be lucky enough to be living it, as I feel I am.  But it is up to both of you to create the lasting, loving friendship that really bonds you soul to soul. Soulmates, in my opinon, are created by the human act of joining in love and friendship infinitely and unconditionally.

Two Worlds Collide

I really didn't want to go. A guy that I went on a couple of dates with went back to Chicago and I was bummed. My mom, as all good moms do, pushed me out with, "Just go, it's a free movie."  My friend came to the door to get me, and we piled closely into a 4-seater. I'm not sure what kind of car it was, but it was green, and it was stick shift. I learned to drive on stick, and we all thought it was pretty cool back then. It was a bit awkward because the other couple and I worked together and the two guys were childhood buddies. It was hard to find conversation that included everyone. 

I don't remember at all what I wore or how I looked. The only definite, was the 80's poof I must have sported up top my curly locks. I likely didn't wear much in the way of make-up, as I never have and I was sportin' a kick ass tan because it was already late July. I do however, remember exactly what he was wearing. I'm not sure why. There was nothing at all wrong with it (for the time period), but nothing particularly notable about it either. All of the brands and styles were specific to the mid to late 80's and early 90's. Faded blue Edwin's jeans, a wide stripe pink and white ID# shirt, and Bean shoes (LL Bean). Of course to match my mall chick hair, he had none other than a mullet. Laughable now, but inconsequential and commonplace at the time.

We finally arrived at the theater, and though I don't remember having any say at all, I found myself walking into the latest installment of the Friday the 13th series. That year, I think it was part 6 or 7. I really didn't care because I hadn't seen any of the others and was less than interested in seeing this one. I had made up my mind the rest of the night would be a drag, and the notion was further reinforced when the guys managed to rig the seating so us girls couldn't gab through the movie. They sat in the middle next to each other flanked by the two of us to each of their outsides. Now I was nervous and a bit annoyed. But I watched the movie. I don't even remember if we shared popcorn or candy. I just remember being mortified when the opening sequence had a topless girl. I think he was a little embarrassed too.

I don't remember any of the movie or the ride out, but I do remember standing awkwardly in the driveway at my friend's house that night trying to make conversation with Paul while our friends engaged in a match of tonsil hockey. It started to get late, and Paul's parents were really strict about curfew. Sometime earlier that night (the details here are blurry) I went home to get my mom's car so I could stay out later or spend the night at my friend's house, and my mom was out with friends or left town. I can't remember exactly. Rather than attempt to pry the other couple apart, we decided it would be best for me to drive Paul home. We shouted a courtesy, "We're going to head over to Paul's," and took off.

We pulled into the driveway just in the nick of time, and saw through the curtain that his parents could see we were there. Safe! Two awkward teenagers, finding common ground in laughing about our friends wrapped up in each other, quite literally, we both started to feel more comfortable. Paul assured me that he was ok sitting in the driveway. The point was that he was home on time. We sat and talked. And talked. Apparently for hours. At about 3am, his friend in the green car tore down the street and pulled up in front of us. Everyone (he and his girlfriend and my sister) were looking everywhere for us, worried frantic (this is long before cell phones were in the hands of teenagers). It's no wonder they didn't hear our shout out. Now he knew we were safe, so he told me to call or go home, then he left.

Trouble was waiting for me at home, but at this point that was coming no matter what. I couldn't go back to my friend's house, and my sister was going to read me the riot act and threaten to tell my mom (she did both). My fate was already sealed so we talked a little while longer, he kissed me goodnight, and he went into the house. I drove home and slid into bed with a growl from my sister.

Never mind the aftermath. Paul came to see me at work the next day, and almost everyday after that. We spent a lot of time together that summer and by August we were pretty much inseparable. At the time it just felt like a high school boyfriend. Someone to hang out with, make out with, and go to school dances with. Who would have thought it was the first day of the rest of my life?