Living Clean: It's Not What You're Thinking

As teachers in graduate school, we are taught to be reflective practioners. This means I am constantly thinking about how I teach, what would make me more effective in my classroom, and what kinds of things I can persue or do in order to help me continuously improve my practice. I am always considering what is working with a particular student, group of students, or an entire class, and also what is not. It means there is no end. There is no arrival. You never get to the finish line, because there isn't one. In the past ten years or so, I've come to realize that being a reflective practioner isn't difficult for me. I don't mean reflection is easy, in that it's easy to face my weaknesses and solve challenging problems in the classroom. I mean that making a habit out of the process of personal analysis and evaluation is not difficult for me, because I do it anyway. I am not just a reflective practitioner. I'm a reflective wife, a reflective mother, a reflective friend. I am simply a reflective person.

Being reflective is a bit of a curse, as it can often lead to over analysis. I sometimes wonder if I'm too worried about the outcome of certain decisions, or the impact my actions and decisions have on others. However, I've always believed if I processed circumstances, especially when things don't go the way I want them to, then I can take away a piece of something to possibly help me in the future. In the same vein, I try really hard to consider impending decisions from every angle. This is what I refer to as clean living. The outcomes of our decisions and our actions can't always be what we want or what we expected, but if we make those decisions for the seemingly right reasons and with the truth as we know it, then the decisions feel somewhat clean.

Take an example from a recent experience I had at work. There is a new teacher at my school with far less tenure than I. Truth be told, no tenure because said teacher is in the first year of teaching. Ever. This newbie is a bit older than your average newbie, as this teacher is a career-changer. I'm pretty sure there's not even a teaching degree, but a degree of some sort and a temporary teaching certificate. Yes, welcome to Florida ladies and gentleman. 

Wait a minute. Who am I kidding? I was trying to keep gender out of it, but I can't. You see, I've met guys like this teacher before. He was involved in another field, probably business. I'm making an assumption here, but it's probably a solid one, that things got tough when the economy took a turn, or jobs were hard to come by, so why not try teaching, right? Let me be clear, this has nothing to do with the idea of a male teacher. We have several great ones and I've met countless others. But this is the type, the guy, who seemed to realize there was some stability in the field of education in that there will always be a need for us (as long as we're willing to take all the shit that comes with job. But that's another post). Besides, they think, I'll just put in a couple of years and then I'll be a principal. So they turn in their suits and briefcases for Dockers and messenger bags, and they become administrators in training. Forget teaching and learning, assessing and progress monitoring, individualized learning. They're more interested in order and discipline. Tear them down to build them up. There seems no true understanding about the stages in human and child development or the learning process. 

This guy, walks around our school like he is in a perpetual audition to be a school administrator. He is from another grade level, but barks at our students when they're in our care or supervision. He seems to find great pleasure in identifying kids who are not following a rule, celebrating with a victorious clipboard fist pump in the air when he catches one. "I got one!" he yells with great delight while he marches down the hall personifying the exact opposite of what is expected of us as teachers in a PBS (positive behavior support) school. One day he backed a student up against the wall, albeit with his eyes and stature, he did not lay a hand on the child. But he was in his face, yelling at him in front of the entire hallway filled with several teachers and all of the 4th and 5th grade students waiting in line for their busses at dismissal. The boy was not in trouble for saying anything disresepctful or for mistreating another student. He was talking. At dismissal. To a friend he probably hadn't seen all day. I realize we expect our students to be quiet so we can hear what's going on, but I don't understand the obsession with silence and soldier like expectations for 10 and 11 years olds who have had to sit down and shut up all day.

Others may be impressed, but my team members and I, we are not. We are disgusted by the joy he seems to derive from catching kids not on point. We are insulted by the attempt to undermine our authority with our students. We are downright pissed off by the false assumption that we can't handle our students without a loud, mean man to come save us. So what do we do about it? I have not confronted or undermined him in front of the kids (though it takes a lot of restraint not to). I have not hauled off on him with sarcasm asking how we could have possibly gotten along before he came to rescue us. I have not stuck my 15 years of experience or the nice Dr. in front of my name, in his face. I simply turned my back to him in the hallway and took it into a venting session with my team that afternoon.

The following day I went to speak with the assistant principal assigned to liaison with both our grade levels. I felt the feedback was better coming from her, as I am not his supervisor or even his APPLES (new teacher program) mentor, and he's not on my team. My AP took the information, rolled over ideas of how to address it without "outing me." Truthfully, I was not concerned about my anonymity, but she's a peacekeeper. I left it in her hands.

Here's where the reflection and over analysis kick in. I started to wonder if I should just go into his room and have a respectful conversation with him, expressing both my professional concerns and my personal feelings.  As an adminstrator, as a leader, I always had and always will support and encourage an emotionally clean working environment. Working teams should not be passive aggressive. They should express concerns, be able to exchange ideas without necessarily agreeing with each other. All of this should occur freely without resentment, if the team is truly committed to their work and their students. Easier said than done, right? Not really. It just takes practice and a group of people who buy in to previously stated commitment. The potential problem is when some buy in and others don't. This was my concern. Here are the things that came to mind as I considered how to handle the situation...

What is my real concern here?

Is my ego in check, or is it puffed out and taking a hit?

Am I overstepping boundaries by addressing it?

How will the other (said male teacher) react to me?

Is this a male/female issue?

Is this a veteran/new teacher issue?

Will I offend the other teacher?

Am I intimidated by the other teacher?

Did I "run and tell" because I wasn't willing to deal with it or because it was the right course of action?

Is this about what is right for kids, or is it about me?

The list goes on...

About now you're probably wondering if I'm sick in the head. Maybe she has OCD, maybe she's insecure, a worry wart. I can't think of any way to describe it but how I did at the beginning of the post. I am an extremely and sometimes overly reflective and analytical person (probably why I always did well on analogies- ever take the MIller's?). My ultimate goal- I guess I'm realizing in life, not just work- is to live cleanly. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally. HIndsight is very important to me. It helps improve future foresight.

So after all that, you know what happened? Though I'm not certain, it seemed as thought the AP did nothing. Several weeks went by and nothing changed. I continued to wait patiently for her to handfle it, and I continued to stonewall said teacher in the hallway. The resentment and sarcasm died down a little and I started to just write it off as his problem. I adopted the whatever attitude. He would walk by me and my teammates would glance in my direction as if to say, "there he is." They would have loved for me to open my big mouth and stick it to him (something most of them are never really willing to do so they often stand behind me and cheer me on). But I didn't. Finally my team leader and I had a conversation and she went and spoke to his team leader. Whatever transpired it seems to have worked. Things have died down and he seems a bit more reluctant to interfere with what's happening at our end of the hallway. He even smiled at me while passing me in the hallway the other day. 

But as it's all behind us, I continued to reflect about what my purpose was, and I came to this realization. In a sense, I was bothered by "I think I'm a badass" man with no teaching experience coming down to our end of the hallway, where there were three experienced women teachers handling this just fine. I don't often stick my doctorate and my experience in people's faces, but I do expect people who know me and my record to demonstrate a little bit of respect for what I bring to the table. Yes, I suppose this is an ego issue. I admit it. But what bothered me more- and I really had to check myself to be sure this was at the root, more so than my ego- was this man's pleasure in berating children and celebrating their missteps. I found myself thinking above all: Does he have children of his own? Because all I could think was if anyone ever humiliated my child or treated him in such a way, I would be in the principal's office demanding it be addressed, and refusing to leave until she told me how it would be handled. 

That's when I knew I was clean.

A Laughter Journal- Week 1

October 14th is the birthday of author and poet e.e. cummings. Several of the writing websites and pages I subscribe to posted photos, quotes, and other cummings' musings. It was Monday morning and I was feeling it, so I saw this quote and posted it in a bright and cheery photo to get myself moving. This morning I made the commitment to try and laugh everyday this week.

I decided later in the day that I was also going to try and keep a laughter journal, because I believe cummings is right. Some days I feel like if I don't laugh, I'll cry. I do believe that we should find something to laugh about everyday. Even researchers and health specialists talk about the physical and emotional benefits of laughter. We stretch muscles, increase oxygen flow, and heck it just feels good. (See http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/give-your-body-boost-with-laughter).

Laughter Journal Week 1:

Monday, October 14, 2013

Today I laughed with a student's parents. The first academic quarter came to a close last Friday, and that means parent-teacher conferences at my school. Now keep in mind it's been a pretty stressful year for both parents and teachers. Common core mania has taken over and teachers are overloaded with changes, parents are trying to understand the changes, and states and school districts can often make it even more confusing for everyone. Throw into the mix that this student is new to our school and district, and you just never know what could happen. I had met her parents briefly at a curriculum night earlier in the quarter and they seemed very supportive of both me and their daughter, so I had high hopes for a productive meeting. The details of the conference are not important here, what's important is the occasion to laugh, afterall, this is a laughter journal. Here's what we laughed about:

We laughed about feeling old when we tell our kids we learned math differently when we were kids and they respond by saying, "Well that's not the way my teacher told me to do it!"

We laughed about the silliness of boys and girls writing notes to and about each other when they're ten, and what those notes are going to look like in middle and high school.

We laughed about the fact that the kids think they're smarter than us, and don't realize we see and know just about everything they do... often because we've done it ourselves.

We laughed about how cute this student's biography project was, and how her mom enjoyed helping her because they talked all about Charles Shultz, creator of the Peanuts, and she could tell how much her daighter learned from and enjoyed the book. We also laughed when her father admitted to not only having been the kid who waited until the night before a project was due, but once in awhile showed up to school saying, "Oh we had a project due today?" Needless to say, they left their daughter at home tonight.

We laughed about how badly I felt that I taught a group of students (including their daughter) a hard lesson when they swore to me they read and discussed a book in their literature circle. I made them all take a test, knowing they weren't being truthful, just to prove a point and they all failed it. Mom and Dad had no pity on the children by the way. (I did and I didn't count it because I think they got my point).

I laughed inside and smiled big when they told me how much their daughter loves school and at home constantly says, "Dr. Kemp this, and Dr. Kemp that...."

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Today I laughed as I listened to two of my 4th grade students, a boy and a girl, argue over which I liked better: the Miami Hurricanes or the Miami Dolphins. One of them didn't understand the distinction between college teams and NFL teams. I don't know what was funnier, their argument, or the fact that it was over my favorite sports teams! For the record, I am a fan of both. Though born in New York, I didn't start watching NFL football until high school, and I moved to Florida in 9th grade. I've been a Fins fan ever since, though I also root for the currently pathetic Giants. I earned my undergraduate degree at The U during the glory years, and have been an avid Canes fan since the day I became a Cane. Laughing with the kids over this made today's highlight reel!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Seems like I laughed quite a bit today. That's a good thing! Lots of little things like giggly moments with my 4th graders, an article about the difficulties had by women with big boobs, and some chaos (though not terribly serious chaos) in the personal lives of my friends. But two things in particular stand out as having generated some good endorphin-releasing laughter. The first was following an invitation to write presented by one of my students. The invite itself wasn't funny. It was a cute rhyming poetry book about valentines. I always write with my kids and today was no exception. I wrote about the pressures of what to write in a Valentine or what gifts one should buy for their Valentine. I ended with a classic quote from my husband that made me (and the kids) chuckle. "I tell you I love you everyday. What do I need Valentines Day for?" What made me laugh even harder was when following dismissal, I walked into the office and found my teammate at the front desk waiting to speak to someone. On the counter in front of her, there were two good size bouquets of flowers (no idea why). I smiled and asked her, "You here to pick up your flowers?" We both laughed rather hard, and I told her about my Valentines Day writing from earlier. We exchanged memories, or what we could muster up in the way of memories, about the last time either of our husbands brought us flowers. Thankfully, what enabled us to laugh so freely, was that we both knew the other had very happy and solid marriages, despite the lack of flowers.

The second laugh came from some slap-happy adults meeting for a Boy Scout parent committee meeting tonight. There were several comments made in joking fashion about how much better the events would be with alcohol. I quipped about the need for a bar at the summer camp, someone else suggested a parents' auxiliary fund that would allow us to have gambling and drinking functions as fundraisers, and others made similar nonsensical comments. Put a bunch of working people around a conference table at 7pm after a long workday, and that's what you'll get. OBVIOUSLY, the comments were all made in jest. Alcohol and games of chance are strictly prohibited at all scout functions.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Today's laugh comes in care of childish banter amongst teacher-friends after school... a charades game of sorts. As we often do while we unwind after dismissal, a few of us gathered in one of our classrooms and recapped the highlights of our day. Though I've been trying extra hard to stay positive this year and block out the stressors I can't control, sometimes the sarcasm bug bites and releasing it with colleagues you can trust is a must. That's what I did with two of my teammates today. We couldn't help but purge the "You know what really bugs me?" thoughts we knew we were all feeling, and I acted mine out! I'm going to leave it at that because our sharing is safe. It might be a rationalization, but it doesn't feel like trash talk because we share it in a closed room to get it off our chests as a common experience, and then we let it go. I would never want one of our colleagues to misinterpret or have their feelings hurt. If you are a teacher, and you never vent with your team or a colleague you trust, you're likely a miserable teacher. Otherwise, you could be a liar. My teammates and I are very lucky. We may not always agree, but we trust each other, respect each other, and laugh together!

Friday, October 18, 2013

Though I know I laughed today, I can't quite recall any significant stimuli. There was probably more of the banter with my colleagues, giggles with my students, but no overwhelming guffaw. I finished work, packed a bag, and drove to Orlando to see my father who had surgery on Monday. Nothing to laugh about up here, but thankfully he is on the mend.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Today's laugh needs little explanation. It comes courtesy of my good friend and fellow writer, Helen, who posted this as her Facebook status today!

Enough said.

Up In Smoke

What if all the advice about taking the highroad is wrong? Hold your head high, walk tall. Keep your chin up. When one door closes, another one opens. If it's meant to be, it will be. Rise above it all; you're better than that. Don't burn any bridges. 

What if, even though I have been told all my life I never should, I wanted to burn a bridge? I'm talking really set it ablaze. Douse it with kerosene and flick a match over my shoulder just like in the movies, and watch it turn into a river of liquid flame. Or pepper it with explosives from one end to the other, flip the switch on my remote control and watch it light up like the Fourth of July, pa-pow!  

What if everything in my head, words of wisdom from my parents, mentors, and quotations books, said take a deep breath and move on, but my heart and my gutt said blow the mother fucker up? Let the proverbial bridge burn down and disintegrate to ashes!

Sometimes I feel tired of being responsible and diplomatic and professional and level-headed. Sometimes I just want to react with emotion, from my gutt instead of calmly stepping back and keeping myself in check. If I see one more of those stupid Stay Calm and... e-posters on Facebook, I think I'm going to scream! I want to speak my mind without fear of repercussions. I want to not care how it will affect me in the future.

We're told that we hold the keys to our own futures, that we control our own destinies. I think I believe this notion too- to a certain extent that is. But is it possible that road blocks, dangerous bridges or crossings can prevent us from reaching our goals. Can it be they are set up by others to sabotage us? Yes, I know usually we need to take physical and or emotional risks to achieve success. After all, we are also told throughout our lives that anything worth having is worth working for. But when does it  become foolish to keep trying to cross what might be a booby-trapped bridge or a road with hidden mines beneath the surface? Is it ever appropriate to blow the bridge to kingdom come and start building a new one?  

Don Henley, of the Eagles is quoted all over the internet as having said, "Sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge." (I sure hope he wasn't referring to a bridge to and from the Eagles because that would not support the direction I'm headed in here). I wonder if you need the old foundation to start building new bridges or pathways in life. I wonder if I can really wipe an old one away completely and start clean, letting the light from the burning bridge show me the way. So far I haven't ever been brave enough, or is it stupid enough to try. I have been afraid my future relationships or successes will be predicated on those from the past, that I need my history to pave the way to my future. 

Everywhere you go they want to know from where you came. New mortgage, what's your payment history? New lease, who did you rent from before? New car, what kind of payments are you making now? College, what did you do in high school? New job, what did you do in college or at your last job? On the other end of these questions, are people expected to answer them about  you- the right way. So it begs the question. If we burn bridges, do we go up in smoke with them?