Living Clean: It's Not What You're Thinking

As teachers in graduate school, we are taught to be reflective practioners. This means I am constantly thinking about how I teach, what would make me more effective in my classroom, and what kinds of things I can persue or do in order to help me continuously improve my practice. I am always considering what is working with a particular student, group of students, or an entire class, and also what is not. It means there is no end. There is no arrival. You never get to the finish line, because there isn't one. In the past ten years or so, I've come to realize that being a reflective practioner isn't difficult for me. I don't mean reflection is easy, in that it's easy to face my weaknesses and solve challenging problems in the classroom. I mean that making a habit out of the process of personal analysis and evaluation is not difficult for me, because I do it anyway. I am not just a reflective practitioner. I'm a reflective wife, a reflective mother, a reflective friend. I am simply a reflective person.

Being reflective is a bit of a curse, as it can often lead to over analysis. I sometimes wonder if I'm too worried about the outcome of certain decisions, or the impact my actions and decisions have on others. However, I've always believed if I processed circumstances, especially when things don't go the way I want them to, then I can take away a piece of something to possibly help me in the future. In the same vein, I try really hard to consider impending decisions from every angle. This is what I refer to as clean living. The outcomes of our decisions and our actions can't always be what we want or what we expected, but if we make those decisions for the seemingly right reasons and with the truth as we know it, then the decisions feel somewhat clean.

Take an example from a recent experience I had at work. There is a new teacher at my school with far less tenure than I. Truth be told, no tenure because said teacher is in the first year of teaching. Ever. This newbie is a bit older than your average newbie, as this teacher is a career-changer. I'm pretty sure there's not even a teaching degree, but a degree of some sort and a temporary teaching certificate. Yes, welcome to Florida ladies and gentleman. 

Wait a minute. Who am I kidding? I was trying to keep gender out of it, but I can't. You see, I've met guys like this teacher before. He was involved in another field, probably business. I'm making an assumption here, but it's probably a solid one, that things got tough when the economy took a turn, or jobs were hard to come by, so why not try teaching, right? Let me be clear, this has nothing to do with the idea of a male teacher. We have several great ones and I've met countless others. But this is the type, the guy, who seemed to realize there was some stability in the field of education in that there will always be a need for us (as long as we're willing to take all the shit that comes with job. But that's another post). Besides, they think, I'll just put in a couple of years and then I'll be a principal. So they turn in their suits and briefcases for Dockers and messenger bags, and they become administrators in training. Forget teaching and learning, assessing and progress monitoring, individualized learning. They're more interested in order and discipline. Tear them down to build them up. There seems no true understanding about the stages in human and child development or the learning process. 

This guy, walks around our school like he is in a perpetual audition to be a school administrator. He is from another grade level, but barks at our students when they're in our care or supervision. He seems to find great pleasure in identifying kids who are not following a rule, celebrating with a victorious clipboard fist pump in the air when he catches one. "I got one!" he yells with great delight while he marches down the hall personifying the exact opposite of what is expected of us as teachers in a PBS (positive behavior support) school. One day he backed a student up against the wall, albeit with his eyes and stature, he did not lay a hand on the child. But he was in his face, yelling at him in front of the entire hallway filled with several teachers and all of the 4th and 5th grade students waiting in line for their busses at dismissal. The boy was not in trouble for saying anything disresepctful or for mistreating another student. He was talking. At dismissal. To a friend he probably hadn't seen all day. I realize we expect our students to be quiet so we can hear what's going on, but I don't understand the obsession with silence and soldier like expectations for 10 and 11 years olds who have had to sit down and shut up all day.

Others may be impressed, but my team members and I, we are not. We are disgusted by the joy he seems to derive from catching kids not on point. We are insulted by the attempt to undermine our authority with our students. We are downright pissed off by the false assumption that we can't handle our students without a loud, mean man to come save us. So what do we do about it? I have not confronted or undermined him in front of the kids (though it takes a lot of restraint not to). I have not hauled off on him with sarcasm asking how we could have possibly gotten along before he came to rescue us. I have not stuck my 15 years of experience or the nice Dr. in front of my name, in his face. I simply turned my back to him in the hallway and took it into a venting session with my team that afternoon.

The following day I went to speak with the assistant principal assigned to liaison with both our grade levels. I felt the feedback was better coming from her, as I am not his supervisor or even his APPLES (new teacher program) mentor, and he's not on my team. My AP took the information, rolled over ideas of how to address it without "outing me." Truthfully, I was not concerned about my anonymity, but she's a peacekeeper. I left it in her hands.

Here's where the reflection and over analysis kick in. I started to wonder if I should just go into his room and have a respectful conversation with him, expressing both my professional concerns and my personal feelings.  As an adminstrator, as a leader, I always had and always will support and encourage an emotionally clean working environment. Working teams should not be passive aggressive. They should express concerns, be able to exchange ideas without necessarily agreeing with each other. All of this should occur freely without resentment, if the team is truly committed to their work and their students. Easier said than done, right? Not really. It just takes practice and a group of people who buy in to previously stated commitment. The potential problem is when some buy in and others don't. This was my concern. Here are the things that came to mind as I considered how to handle the situation...

What is my real concern here?

Is my ego in check, or is it puffed out and taking a hit?

Am I overstepping boundaries by addressing it?

How will the other (said male teacher) react to me?

Is this a male/female issue?

Is this a veteran/new teacher issue?

Will I offend the other teacher?

Am I intimidated by the other teacher?

Did I "run and tell" because I wasn't willing to deal with it or because it was the right course of action?

Is this about what is right for kids, or is it about me?

The list goes on...

About now you're probably wondering if I'm sick in the head. Maybe she has OCD, maybe she's insecure, a worry wart. I can't think of any way to describe it but how I did at the beginning of the post. I am an extremely and sometimes overly reflective and analytical person (probably why I always did well on analogies- ever take the MIller's?). My ultimate goal- I guess I'm realizing in life, not just work- is to live cleanly. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally. HIndsight is very important to me. It helps improve future foresight.

So after all that, you know what happened? Though I'm not certain, it seemed as thought the AP did nothing. Several weeks went by and nothing changed. I continued to wait patiently for her to handfle it, and I continued to stonewall said teacher in the hallway. The resentment and sarcasm died down a little and I started to just write it off as his problem. I adopted the whatever attitude. He would walk by me and my teammates would glance in my direction as if to say, "there he is." They would have loved for me to open my big mouth and stick it to him (something most of them are never really willing to do so they often stand behind me and cheer me on). But I didn't. Finally my team leader and I had a conversation and she went and spoke to his team leader. Whatever transpired it seems to have worked. Things have died down and he seems a bit more reluctant to interfere with what's happening at our end of the hallway. He even smiled at me while passing me in the hallway the other day. 

But as it's all behind us, I continued to reflect about what my purpose was, and I came to this realization. In a sense, I was bothered by "I think I'm a badass" man with no teaching experience coming down to our end of the hallway, where there were three experienced women teachers handling this just fine. I don't often stick my doctorate and my experience in people's faces, but I do expect people who know me and my record to demonstrate a little bit of respect for what I bring to the table. Yes, I suppose this is an ego issue. I admit it. But what bothered me more- and I really had to check myself to be sure this was at the root, more so than my ego- was this man's pleasure in berating children and celebrating their missteps. I found myself thinking above all: Does he have children of his own? Because all I could think was if anyone ever humiliated my child or treated him in such a way, I would be in the principal's office demanding it be addressed, and refusing to leave until she told me how it would be handled. 

That's when I knew I was clean.