I just had to write tonight. My work life has been a bit rough lately. The everyday of my life has driven me into an exhaustive state I don't remember feeling since I finished grad school a year and a half ago. I have faced challenges that have made me feel weak and unsure of myself. Some of the challenges have been self imposed, others have sort of happened to me. Can I say that? Can I acknowledge there are things out of my control?
As for the self-imposed, I accepted two course assignments in my adjunct role at the local university this fall. This, a mere 4 months into my new role as the lead academic administrator of a local private school for at-risk girls. Though I have been an adjunct for almost 5 years now, most of my work at the university has been during the summer. In years past, I was teaching in public school and enjoyed summers off. The adjunct work didn't interfere with anything, except maybe vacation plans. This year, I was asked to take a fall course- one I have taught countless times- and thought sure, why not? After all, I worked full time and went to grad school for years and somehow managed to complete my doctorate. How hard could it be to work and teach a course with which I was intimately familiar?
Less than a week before classes started, I was asked to teach another. This one was a graduate level class. How could I say no? I asked if I could trade the undergrad class for the grad class and teach just one class. Some flattery and my ambition convinced me I could and should take both. It's good money and one of the classes is small, I was told. So in true character (my mom always said I was at my best when I had too much on my plate), I took them both and trudged through a semester at a new job with a few more than 40 college students between the two classes. I'm tired just thinking about it. Time off wasn't really time off, and weekends grading papers reminded me of hours of lost leisure time while I worked on my dissertation. One class probably would have been ok, but two really did me in.
At work, things like staffing issues and the challenges that come when you work with at risk youth can be beyond our control. Small agencies feel the pains of even one person who lets the others down. Each of these incidences has a much stronger ripple effect than they do in a larger organization. Everyone feels it. Don't get me wrong, we get the positive accomplishments, celebrations, and successes in the same way. But boy do the growing pains hurt.
It was brought to my attention recently by someone for whom I have a great deal of respect, that I am a perfectionist and a bit of a control freak. I always jokingly referred to myself as Type-A, and my family members endearingly jab at me for it. But in the workplace things are different. I'm Type-A on steroids if you will. You see, I don't want my name or reputation on anything sub par. I believe in what I do, I am passionate about education. I studied curriculum and instruction because I believe at the heart of everything in school, is the instructional practice of the teacher. The standards and the curriculum, they have their role, though I think an overemphasized one. But that's another blog post. What matters most is the relationship between teacher and student, and the experiences created by teachers during instruction. If I am the Academic Manager, I expect the instruction to be top notch. I am not discounting the variables out of school that we can't control, I am referring only to the time we have with our students during the school day. This is why when my English teacher quit, I would not hire a teacher just because I need one... even though at times I have felt desperate. The right person usually comes through the door if you are patient.
But what that means for me is until I find said person, I am the best one to temporarily fill the role, as I am the only one available who is qualified. Meet the current substitute for English class. If I was not in administration right now, I would more than likely be teaching Language Arts or English. So although I knew there would be stress to fulfill my regular job responsibilities, I was excited to spend some time teaching English- I'm a teacher first, right? Well that depends who you ask. It's funny how the students reacted to me. Lots of heavy sighs, groans, and eye rolls as they entered the room sent the message loud and clear, I had my work cut out for me. One student even said it wasn't a real class because there was no teacher. Can you imagine? This is an eleventh grade student who clearly was not making the connection that to become an administrator meant you had to be a teacher first (at least for a little while- in my case about 15 years).
This was perhaps the challenge that exhausted me the most this week, and likely will continue to until I find the right person to teach English. I spent the week trying to convince middle and high school students that I'm a teacher! I tried to engage them in discussion about their assignments, work with them in groups, and facilitate lessons, only to be shut down. Full disclosure: I was completely defeated, deflated, bull dozed, and insulted. I relished the opportunity to spend time with them and be their teacher rather than just cave in to warm body syndrome. I cried last week. A lot. I felt like a new teacher. I was consumed by the stress of all the above mentioned things, but I think most of all, my feelings were hurt. I have never in all my roles at all the schools I've worked at, been someone the kids didn't want to see or interact with. I tried straight up lessons, I tried to get creative. They tried to get me to leave them alone. It was disheartening to say the least, and I gave up. I was bailed out by others who offered to take the classes. I let them. I'm not proud of myself, but I needed to get away from the feeling I felt.
So now it's Sunday night and I'm getting ready to go back and try again tomorrow. One more week until winter break. I rested a lot this weekend. I talked through what was going on with my family. I've regrouped. I talked to my best teacher-friend writing buddies who all teach English/Language Arts. They gave me ideas and some great resources, and I've got a plan. I don't know if it's going to work, but I'm going to give it a try. I'm not going to let them get to me. I'm going to prove to them that I care, that I want them to learn. They're not going to scare me away that easy. Because I am a teacher, that's why.
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