Deferred Not Denied

It wasn't exceptionally exciting. It wasn't groundbreaking. But I had a great day.

For nearly six months I have been floundering about in my own head trying to decide what to do with the rest of my life. I seemed to have it all figured out about two years ago. I finished my doctorate, I worked one more year as a public elementary school teacher, and I started to explore new career opportunities.  I continued to work as an adjunct instructor teaching one or two courses per semester, and hoped to work my way up to a full-time teaching position at a college or university. I've been an adjunct for 5 years now, and my difficulty securing a full time teaching position in higher education since I graduated soured me for awhile. I started to believe it wasn't going to be possible, that I'd never secure such a position. The result... I convinced myself it wasn't really what I wanted anymore. It's not the first time I've done this to myself; I suppose it's a high achiever's defense mechanism for not being able to reach a goal.

In the meantime, I knew if I couldn't teach college I wanted to spend my time in a smaller, more personalized school or agency. My experiences early on in my teaching career were in this type of organization and after 8 years away, I was drawn back. I chose to accept a position in a place where I am passionate about the population and the mission. That's where I am today. It hasn't been without challenges, but I work with some amazing people and have had the chance to impact the futures of some girls who really need positive forces in their lives. I committed to staying with the agency for two years, and I'm now a couple months in to year 2. I never planned one way or the other what would happen when the two year commitment was up. I figured if the mission still spoke to me, and I felt as though I was making a meaningful contribution, I would stay until this was no longer so.

But in the past couple of months, I've started to wonder if this is enough. I wasn't sure about anything; what I'm doing now what I want to do in the future. I'd go back to the goals I had as I completed my degree. In school, I chose Curriculum & Instruction over Educational Leadership for a reason. I really had no plan to become a school administrator. I've managed to stay connected with the University, and though I took spring and summer semesters off I am teaching a course again for the fall semester. It's good for keeping my vitae current, it helps financially, and I really do love teaching... still.

Today I had a meeting on campus. I spent the day there with other full time professors, adjuncts, and other staff who work in and with the department for which I am teaching this semester. It wasn't a particularly eventful day. But it was relaxing, it was about creating the best learning opportunities for students. I felt comfortable, and I remembered this was where I wanted to be. I just have to work hard and be patient. I don't expect to ever get a full time position at this university. My gut just tells me it will never happen. But it will happen somewhere, someday.

On my leisurely drive home, I got to thinking. I almost gave up my dream for the wrong reasons. I almost convinced myself my dream had changed, just because it hadn't happened yet. I thought of Langston Hughs, who said, "A dream deferred, is a dream denied." I immediately came home and looked up A Dream Deferred. I couldn't exactly remember all the words, but I knew I wanted to revisit it again, it was speaking to me already.


A Dream Deferred
by Langston Hughs

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore-
And then run?
Does it stink lie rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over-
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

I kept thinking my dream won't die. It won't be denied. But it will be deferred. As parents, the dreams of our children take precedence over our own, at least while they are still children. Right now, I have made the choice not to move, not to chase my dream of full time employment with a college or university. I know the likelihood of joining a faculty full time will greatly increase if I widen the radius of my search. The options here where I live are limited. And right now I can't leave. While the options for me are few, the opportunity for my son to participate in an exclusive program for his remaining two years of high school is worth deferring my dream. There will be a time when he can live out his dreams without the shelter of my home. Then, it will be my time. Until then, at least I know my dream is still alive.